Have I mentioned that I'm having an affair with a married executive?

Cass
Sent from my iPhone

So, I have summoned up my courage and would like to ask the following: It would give me great pleasure if you would be agreeable to a rendezvous one evening outside of the office - perhaps early next week? A short answer (hopefully to the affirmative!) for tonight would suffice.... 

Cass

Sent from my iPhone

On a scale of one to eight hundred...

- Last night I drove to Longeuil so that Tyson could test drive a used car as he is leaving for Winnipeg next week. He is going home. I am crushed. Realised I've actually known him for a full year, now. Really, that's a lot of someone. Seeing them every work day for an hour or two a day amounts to enough. Plus all the outings he joined and the hockey seasons spent. Driving with him last night was so pleasant - I'm really very sorry we didn't spend more time one on one. We often enough spent lunch hours just the two of us but 3 car hours + shopping for a big life thing together was stupid to do days before he leaves. We're closer now, we are. He opened up in the car when I asked him to describe his home and he kept going. I said goodbye at his castle when he asked me up for a beer but his things are in my trunk so I'm going to have to do it again. Got a good long full body hug and I told him how happy I was to have known him. Went to move away and had to go back and lean on his chest for just a second longer. I know he doesn't like the physcial contact with someone he hasn't been 'physical' with but it's a goodbye.
I drove home on the 40 with no stereo on, in a kind of daze until I was at the Sources exit and my brain went - Friday night, 8h45, Rogers on Sources, BOBBY. So I braked hard and scooted off the highway to Bobby. Bobby would make everything better. Bobby would ease the ache on the right side of my body. When he came out after closing I got out of the car and said "On a scale of one to eight hundred, how weird would it be if I asked you to sit in the back seat with me?". He obliged, a little weirded out obviously, and I scooted up next to him saying I required physical contact. So I sat with my head on his chest and his arm around me absorbing his self. I apologized afterwards for 'using you for your comfort' and he replied 'what, no hug goodbye?'
I defnitely know I weirded him out a bit but I needed it so bad. Just for like, 8 minutes.

I succesfully got home without crying with my contacts in. Learned not to do that at Macleans for Tysons show (ps, he thought I was crying because the song was sad, not for him leaving. lawl).

irl

-Jason holds the door open for me, we start walking-

Me: “I dreamt we were in a maze last night” (zero precursor. Not even a hello)

-We talk about corn fields and how forced mouse races are like being employed, for a while-

Me: “I had to leave you behind, actually”

JZ: “Oh, well I’m sorry I disappointed you in your dream. Usually I’m excellent in dreams. Sub-par in real life but good in dreams”

Me: “Uh huhu huhuhuhuh”.

 

Thanks,

 

Cass Ranger

 

Erikson Consumer  x2349

JAM Industries 21000 Trans-Canada Hwy, Baie D'Urfe H9X4B7 Canada

Montreal - 514.457.2555

Toll Free - 1.800.567.3275

Fax - 1.866.450.5507 

 

Thanksgiving was wonderful with my brothers.

Unfortunately I am so disappointed and insulted by her not showing up again that I could fall asleep crying.

Sent from my iPhone

Text to Lexi:

Justin was wearing this thin cerulean sweater today and his hair and beard are all freshly trimmed ...i nearly fainted. Nerrrrrr
Im so attracted to everything about him. It makes me sad. 

I just remembered something puzzeling. The morning after I hosted Bobs "not so going away party" is when we had the half talk with "I've already broken up with you in my head" that started two weeks of solid silence before he broke us up.

The thing I'm wondering about is if -and if so; why - where we in separate beds that night?

I know we were in his bedroom in bed cuddling and talking when we broached the subject of what we would do now that we had more time than we had thought just two days prior when he said that line to me. I definitely ran from the room to vomit and swiftly called Kory to save me while throwing my things together in the yellow upstairs bedroom where we most most most often slept. I feel like I crawled in the downstairs bed in the morning, though, and why the fuck would that have been the case??? How the he'll was I so fucking blind? What??!

Sent from my iPhone

Another stupid unfortunate. With this amazing new phone I'm finally creating a music library. So I got Vuze and went a little crazy with full discographies from Broken Social Scene, rusko, Radiohead etc but today while working I happened to choose a random Radiohead album to start and it was the one Bob and I had our first coupley evening for our 6 months / valentines day ( and were discovered in bed by the parents Hahahahaha) We played KidA on repeat and it was so sensual and amorous. Sad.

Sent from my iPhone

Worse idea; for some reason I had forgotten that we started dating fresh out of high school so my first year of cegep I used to bus from Abbott to Woodland and Lakeshore then walk to his house and crawl into bed with him in the fall mornings. I just remembered that and thought wow, that's quite a treck to have made so many times ...quite a silly walk to regularly make for young love. So I google mapped it as it never occurred to me then that u was walking for 40 minutes each time to crawl into his dark sleepy love arms.

3 kilometers. 40 minutes and 3 full kilometers every time? Hah! Was I ever smitten to never even wonder for a second how long it was.

Sent from my iPhone

I just let myself have a super emotionally unhealthy, full 5 minute conversation with my face in my camera pretending I was iPhone "face time" calling Holland.

Have you ever seen what your deluded face looks like saying I love you in two languages? I love you looks alien on my lips.

Sent from my iPhone

This black hole that I'm falling into, this tub of molasses that intermittently claims my limbs and my will, it's alien and terrifying. When you find yourself thinking "oh, this feels pretty bad. I've never thought these self loathing thought before", is it time to really worry?

I've never been super happy with myself but have always been pleased that I have fine self esteem and aren't worried about my naked body during sex or can work full time without knowing where I'm going but all of a sudden I can't stand it. Nor can I stand my weakness to fucking move and do anything about any of it.
And. And. And jager straight from the bottle with egg on toast is NOT THE WAY TO HAVE SUPPER.

This molasses is the enemy. It's a lethal enemy. Sneezes smell like honey.

War strategies:
ASL courses - get on the road to learning so as to move towards being a translator facilitator? First concrete plan I've had since I was 11. Boorah.

I've stopped smoking and kept biking. Good.

Back active on OkCupid? I don't know why not, I want options but they all fall flat but I need companionship an embarrassing much.

Fuck you, sweet heavy tar.

Ps. I miss men.

Sent from my iPhone

Hurts my heart

I don't know how to be friends anymore with someone who doesn't like me.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

I asked Kurt out to supper!

Wednesday night I dreamt I was downtown on dates with Bobby and Kurt at the same time. There was a Passion Pit concert going on outside right near Sala Rosa (which wasn't actually Sala) but the resto was so packed we chose to get seats instead of the concert, we could still hear which made my life. We were then in my driveway at the Renaud house and Bobby who was driving had a large piece of chocolate mousse cake on a plate. Kurt, in the back seat, had some giant piece of crumble... they were for my dad, they both got out of the car and presented them to my dad. wtf.

Thursday night I dreamt I told Kyle the mail guy "You know, I really like you" and he was enthusiastic. This would not happen irl.

Last night I dreamt I was with the most beautiful penis I had ever been in contact with. I told the person so. It really was beautiful.

This morning, I miss Bob. Like I always do.

Find myself horizontal in bed thinking about Bob. A whole lot.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

GrrhaiCuriosity

From Date: Tue, 2 Jun 2009 05:36:01

> I read your blog. Yes the whole thing.
> > > I like "The Stranger" title. It makes me seem mysterious with a rugged aftertaste.

> > > That coupled with the fact that I am none of those previously mentioned things makes it cool and socially acceptable.

> > > So I'm now reading your blog. Careful. You never know what entry I might stick my head into. I hope you have a privacy feature!

> > > PS. Food Jammers is back on TV.
> I don't think I have to tell you that I'm going to be up all night dreaming about it.

Would really like to know if this is still applicable.

Surprise Metric Show in Laval?!

On Thursday evening, I was doing a routine check I haven't in a while. truthexplosionmag.com, bands websites, venues websites, checkin' out what's coming. Went to the Tour tab on ilovemetric.com. Sat April 10th, Laval Quebec.

WHAT?!

It was incredible, it was the best crowd to band experience I've had. I've been to some stellar concerts and this was a very Metric concert, the performance and energy is always this extreme, but some kind of love exchange happened last night. The entire show was high voltage, shocking with energy. Hosted in La Recreateque de Laval, basically (professional) stage setup on a roller rink in a rural area... like going to see a concert in Valleyfield. They have already toured for the release of their freshest album in 2009 which I went to see them at Metropolis for the 2nd time (first 2006 then another choice moment, playing in the street for free at a Concordia concert since EHaines went to school there in 2007 around the same time they re-released 2001's "Grow Up and Blow Away" (just Emily and Jimmy) so this was a small secret tour for me. For the other "me's". For the ones who look. For the ones who love. For the ones who have every album and solo project. For the ones who headbang, twitch and stomp on peoples feet because we've seen them so many time it's ok to put your face down and rock - you already know what it looks like on stage, you can just feel the performance. My brother pointed out that people had formed a bubble around me. It was true! The whole show I glanced around me and they had left space in a semi circle behind me and to my right. They gave me room to flail I'm so dangerous! I think this is probably the most hilarious thing I've heard in a while.

After a full set from their 3 major albums (came to realize after, don't think they ever play "GUBA" songs live...), they went off to of course, come back after roarous applause. They burst into Monster Hospital and the crowd went fucking wild. This little gymnasium stuffed full with 200 of the best Montreal fans, 22 to 35 and an excellent male to femal ratio, surged all our energy and hit the band in the face. You could see it. When they finished the song we freaked out. Communal thanks shot out in claps jumps and screams while Jules n Josh went offstage and Emily tried to prepare for the final song while staring at us and shaking her head in disbelief. Jimmy joined her and set up with just his acoustic and her voice. She started by thanking us, in french, for the extreme experience. I don't think they were expecting that kind of night to happen. They closed the show and said goodbye with an acoustic "Combat Baby" to which we all sang along. You know that excellent sensation you only get to feel a few times in your life? Think of your brother, think of your mate who's been gone for 4 months. Think of the feeling when you're driving to meet them and you remember with full power how much you love them. That excited, full, bursting all encompasing feeling that envelopes you and makes your chest want to expand - that's what happened. the audience and band stood and cheered at each other once they were through. The band was smiling, shaking thier heads, holding each other and thanking us with mouths agape.

- After Monster Hospital I went striaght from singing the final note into clapping and hollering a screech that lasted way too long and took so much oxygen out of me that the world titled, the music slowed and I floated for a good 4 seconds. I finally remembered to breath and like in a fucking film, I remembered where I was, that I was clapping, and everything kind of resumed, like a movie that had been on 1/2 time. The world whirred and shifted back into place and it felt like the worst, swiftest "coming down" ever. Children, this is called (almost) fainting. Whataloser.
+ I took my brother, Nick. He LOVED it. He's falled in love with Emily (who could help themselves, comon) and could not get over the energy. Yeah, he's all about energy, but bringing him was the best thing I could have done. He was so pleased to share this with me, even though I hit him in the face with my hair-whipping a few times. They blew him away.

+ They brought along Arkells http://www.arkells.ca/ whos music live is at least twice as good as the recorded site stuff. They guys were pretty impressive and kept up thier energy for a crowd that didn't react much. I always feel embarassed when an opening band is giving us everything and they crowd can't even boop thier heads. A few people around me were bopping with me and they applause and hollers were substantial enough. The two front men have definite stage powere, the bearded, jean jacketed lead was checking out the crowd like he wanted to whip his cock out. It was great.

- However, these tickets were $90 together with the "service fees" and "pickup fee" bull crap and I was at Stephs house during the day. I told her Thursday;
"I'm taking you out Saturday night, it's a surprise, it's an early birthday present"
"What is it what is it?!"
"Not telling!"
"Are we going to the states? Wait, is it Metric?! It is, itsn't it!!!?"
"Not TELLING!"
She was so stoked, I was so stoked.
Saturday afternoon;
"I have a headache - Lisa might need me to drive her to Logans - I might see Kyle after - We might stay here after and we can get drunk - if my head keeps pounding like this we should stay in - Oh you have tickets already?"
OF COURSE I DO - I bring her Tylenol. I make her hot chocolate. I put on Cinderella. I get her slippers. I have her lay on my lap and take a nap. It's getting to 5h45 and she decides to make something to eat. It's 6h so I say;
"Steph.... The concert is in Laval in TWO hours."
"Yeah but I said just a little while ago that if my head still pounds... umm... uhh.. merjfjhfsod.. fdidsd.. lalalal whine whine whine"
"Steph, if you're shutting this down I need to find someone to go it's at EIGHT"
"Yeah well..."
"Just yes or no!"
"ok, no."

Q. Q. F.

Cass+Lexi Plan

THUS FAR

Things I must have;
A gray/gloss living space (living room, bedroom, wtvr)
A shelf for my OPI to sit and be admired
Asst'd mismatched woden chairs, hopefuly some colors.

Things I have to contruibute;
Black plates and a few bowls
Wine glasses
A zillion mugs
Set of utensils
Place mats
Salad bowl wite/black/glass
A KITCHEN TABLE
A decorative duck

Birthday?

+ I have been working at JAM Industries where Alex got me an in for three weeks, I'm learning a lot and it's wonderful to be employed again.

+ My nose is great, I have one stitch chunk thing left to get out. Breathing is revolutionary.

- Nick is so depressed he hasn't been into work for the whole week, he hasn't even been drinking, allegedly. This scares me more than a binge, almost. I know what it's like when he's consuming. So down that he doesn't even get out of bed to get a bottle? Unknown.

- Steph did not come to my birthday dinner. Steph did not respond when I told her the invitation to my family dinner still stood. This is bad.

+ Jessica's grandpa made me nanaimo bars for my birthday cake. I can't tell you what this means. Jess said he was touched I remembered them/wanted them. This pleases me.

+ Jess Lexi Kim Kory Cote and Miller all joined me at ATMA on St Laurent for fantastic food and a wonderful dinner.

+ Kim and I had the greatest Nuit Blanche. Museum of Fine Arts, the W, Old Port, birthday 'tire', bed and tasty breakfast, the whole thing was great. Kims going through a lot with the D break but she and I are greatgreatgreat. We saw Alice in Wonderland last night, fuck it was astounding.

Dear John;

Fuck you, man. Seriously. What right did you have to take it all away from me.

You've been gone for two fucking years and what, I still can't fill up? I get to trick my self now-and-then into some false realm of semi satiated recovery and then you creep up on me? I'm "fine" one day, oblivious to the lies I've been allowing myself, then BAM. MOTHER FUCKING BLOOD CLOT NAIVE BITCH. Nah, you ain't that free. You still have to walk out of those doors and drive home with an unexpected frown. You still have to feel that nothing, that numb emptiness that can't actually 'feel'. Sure, you're confused at first, the void crept up again so silently.

You'd think it would be best described as heavy, leaden, stiffling. Most would, everyone gets it. But it's weightless. It's empty and airy. My lungs don't exist, they are so light. It's weak and weightless. It's made of like, three spider web strings. They don't break, but they don't support. You're not that far under, you're not that bad off, you're just stuck.

Someone stole my weight. Someone left me with only three strings. I know everyone has had it stolen. E v e r y o n e .

I just wasn't expecting it tonight.

Fuck you, man. What right did you have. What did you ever give me that would warrant this exchange.

Oh, Codeine.

+ Nose is almost fixed. After the surgery Monday the 11th I had the worst five days. Semi-conscious, dazed, pain, no eating (no hunger, actually) and four trips back to the hospital. They couldn't take the 5" packaging strips out on the Wednesday but went to do blood tests. I have a vitamin K deficiency and they're trying to figure out why I bled so easily, I have more rvs with the haematologist (Dr. Bilodeau said he just pricked me with a needle to freeze the nose and I filled up and spilled over with blood). After giving six more vials of blood I nearly passed out in the hallway after suddenly gagging a blood clot out in a fountain... badday. I went back Thursday out of fear as I was choking out ping pong ball sized blood clots every hour and a half. Finally Friday they PULLED THEM OUT fuck, it was like a cement stopper refusing to release when he pulled them out. Then, beauty. No more debilitating headache, I could almost smile. I could almost laugh. I shuffled down the hallway without rupturing anything, I ate a small soup in under 40 minutes. I had the worst night sleep to date but I felt so much better. I could almost walk by myself again. Not having thick plastic wrap stuffed behind my eyes sure makes the world better. I still have two plastic strips sutured (where...?) in my nose to keep shit in line but those come out next Wednesday. I'm optimistic - I can already breathe half the time. Shit should be grand.

+/- The first 5 days I didn't do ANYTHING, not even watch an episode of The O.C, I was so out of it. However since then I have consumed:
The O.C. - Season 1
Blow
Vicky Christina Barcelona
Love Actually
3 episodes of Sex + the City
The O.C. - Season 2
(500) Days of Summer
The O.C. - Season 3
Lost - Season 5 (four discs in)
The Hangover
Moulin Rouge

+ Got prescribed some light codeine for the pain which I loved in the beginning, sleep when it's light, wake when it's dark - take more codeine. I had to stop Friday night as I would doze in under 30 seconds then snort (as the packaging was out) which hurt and the sound would wake me, pass out immediately, snort immediately, worst night. BUT I am so holding on to that stuff, just for sleep. It's not much, but just enough to enhance your dreams. That first week I had the longest most vivid adventure dreams... so much happened, so many colors, and no sex? The best one (typically? unfortunately?) was set in Fuji (I never have location dreams!). I was in the middle of a large body of water, there were huge lush jutting cliffs all around, and I could see 360°. So much brown, green and blue it overwhelmed me. I was treading water with Bob, looking for the closest land to swim to. After spotting it we made it ashore a small king bed sized patch of beach. Laid back on our elbows we were just, there. Later, he found an old gameboy. It was nothing but it lasted a long time and... he wanted to be there with me. That's all I needed. _________________________________________________________

Reading - Dead After Dawn - Charlaine whatever, the novels HBO's "True Blood" is based on.

Sportin' - OPI "Royal Rajah Ruby" this morning, a rich red black.

Now it's OPI "Parlez-vous OPI?" my favorite OPI to date. It goes on perfectly lilac. Jellybeans.
_________________________________________________________

SURPRISE, COCKFAG

+/- The hospital called me yesterday (at 8h am) to give schedule my operation for MONDAY. As in, in THREE DAYS. Oh mai godz. Apparently I could be out for like, 5 weeks, so this whole unemployment things is kind of at a good time because who would keep me if I were hired tomorrow and had to operate in a month, kind of at a terrible time as I will again be unemployed for at least 2 months. So I'm kind of freaked out. Actually, hardly about the actualy process, I'll be under, obvs. More about after. How bruised and broken will my face be, for how long, how will I see without my glasses now (my eyes have already adjusted to the prescription and become lazy on their own) and most importantly, how will I breath through my mouth for so many weeks!? I can't sleep, can't concentrate when I can't breath through my nose, the whole reason I'm in the ten year nasal problem, med addicted state. Good luck, Cassandra, you will most likely fail again.

+ I have chamomile in my belly.
_________________________________________________________

Reading - Breaking Dawn. Again ...I know.

Sportin' - OPI "Can you Tapas this?" Looks blood reb brown in the bottle, goes on magnificently warm chocolate. 2nd favorite ever.
_________________________________________________________

2010

- I got fired for absolute bullshit - un-employed again.

+ Christmas Eve at Matt and Caro's and then the Day at our place including Steph for desert was amazing, really busy and fun and alcohol filled. just came back from Wakefield, those visits are always stellar. Dad and I went for breakfast at the Aupengrousse ahahah really tasty, actually, excellent bacon. Got a digital camera to replace the last one which actually broke in Wakefield this summer. Har. Really wonderful family times all week.

+ Kim just left after spending New Years in my basement. I know we're fucking lame but she drank 3/4 of a 1.5 litre bottle of wine and I had half a 40 of rum... I don't know where she hides her tolerance but man, she has it. Plus we've been getting closer over the past few months and especially the past few weeks, I wish it wasn't over "breakup circumstances" but she wants me around and I'll take this Friendship Development. Whenever we're together I remember that our quirks, sounds, mannerisms are super in sync and we're a lot of the same person. Yay Kim.

+ I got kissed on New Years. I had a date. I made out in my car like I was 17, with a 24 year old scruffy world traveler. I am going to see him again.

+ Why the fuck did the world only decide to call 2000-2009 "The Aughts" at the end of 2009??? I would have rocked that term all decade! That shit is hilarious, I love it. Also going to start using "keen" and "natürlich" and all the other dutch words I miss.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++